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I really hope the ignorant masses don't decide that 2010 is the year for public displays of open-mouthed-gum-smacking. I really, really don't, because if it continues as it has begun, I will be starting the Tell Them They're Gross coalition.
Perhaps it was karmic retrobution for having giggled internally at my boyfriend's distress upon that previous entry, when the woman next to him in Avatar chewed her gum so loudly it disturbed his movie viewing experience, but I was accosted by my own gum-smacking failures at life on Saturday.
Boyfriend had purchased tickets months ago for the Eddie Izzard show at the Oracle Arena in Oakland, and we were thrilled, as huge fans, to attend his final incarnation of his Stripped Tour. We'd scored tickets to the two previous developing works in progress, and our fandom spans years, back through our college days giggling ourselves silly as we watched clips of his previous tours online. Yes, we were very excited to get close(ish) floor seats in the arena for this fantastic tour.
We arrived at our seats, buzzing in anticipation, settled down, and as I put my purse down, I heard loud smacking over my left shoulder. Dread. I looked to my right, at my boyfriend, and whispered, "Oh no, oh no. . .we're gonna have that person!"
He chucked at me, and said, "Yes, I hear it too, don't worry, I'm sure they'll stop once the show starts." Time went by. The show didn't start early, it didn't start on time (well you can't blame Eddie, the gorgeous man has to hone his skills and his eyeliner before engaging the audience for hours on end) but though we sat for over half an hour in eager (and for me, somewhat nervous) anticipation, the jaws of chomping volume continued to grind.
I do not exaggerate, it failed to be drowned out by the theatrically loud and enthusiastic classical music. The 1812 Overature played, and this gum chewing dude smacked OVER it. It would have been almost admirable, were it not so obnoxious and gauche.
By the time the lights finally dimmed, I had drafted several extremely polite ways to request that the woman sitting next to me (who had inserted her own gum by that point, to my horror, though she did not "nom" so heartily nor openmouthedly as did her shocking companion) that perhaps she might consider requesting her friend consider attempting to close his mouth for the enjoyment of the show.
Let me not leave any confusion about my intentions, I simply wanted a mouth-noises-free viewing experience for my favorite comedian. The tickets weren't inexpensive, and I did not want my experience (or that of my boyfriend, or hey, let's be charitable, ANYONE surrounding this guy with the chompers) ruined or detracted from by his obliviousness to common courtesy.
While I don't shy from confrontation, I really, really hate having to break social constructs like not imposing on people around you for any reason when out and about, and I knew that asking him (through her) to cut it the hell out would indeed come off as rude, no matter how I put it. However, I measured my viewing enjoyment as more important in this instance than being "nice" and adhering to the socially unwritten rule that I just sit there and "try to ignore it".
As the lights dimmed, the smacking continued, and I sucked in a breath. I gently touched the lady's shoulder, and said very quietly when she leaned towards me, "I beg your pardon, and I am so sorry to ask, but do you think you and your friend might try chewing your gum more quietly when the show begins?" I don't know how I expected her to react, perhaps with shame and chagrin at her companion's behavior being noticed by others, or with conspiratorial acknowledgement that yes, it IS an issue, she's tried talking to him about it before, or even with a wink in humor, and a turn to have him spit out his gum into a cup or napkin. But no, I ask too much, clearly of the common humans around me.
She pulled away, and shot me with a look as though I'd just confided in her that I was the reincarnation of Hitler, and I wanted to show her the dead kitten I had in my purse.
Honestly. I KNOW it was rude to ask, and I DID feel bad for having to, but this particularly abhorrent woman and her companion did not change their behavior throughout the entire show. And yes, it did affect my enjoyment of the brilliance that occured onstage.
And ugh, they made me be that person, the one who says something rude-ish to strangers. However, I think the intensity of their failure at courtesy and knowledge of common manners deserves more than my previous posts. That person, that gum-smacking person deserved a photographic commemoration. His date earned her own by her resulting behavior, and I was pushed so far as to use an iphone to obtain a photograph. Please note the failpeople's eyes are blocked out, to maintain their "anonmity", but you'd know 'em if you heard 'em, I promise. I'm sure you'll hear them someday, because they clearly have no intention of amending their deficiencies. They'll be that person for other people, they're just that masticationally dedicated.
Let me assert one fact: Sales is a customer service job. Even if you're doing inventory, you have a duty per your job to be polite to customers.
I need to point out uncalled-for snark from a service assistant at Bed Bath and Beyond near Jack London in Oakland. I don't care what your mood is, or whatever else may be wrong with you, when I ask VERY politely if the store carries X item, and I say I'm happy if you just direct me to said item, as I'm sure you're busy restocking, kindly just tell me where to look. You didn't have to say, "Well, I have to take you there, since you obviously haven't found it yet," you snarky grump.
The item wasn't obvious, it wasn't listed on the store's overhanging signs, and I was not an idiot who needed her hand held. You may not care, you may be having a bad day, frankly sir I don't care, but I wanted to inform cyberspace of your snark. You're in a service job. Yes, I know that's not always fun, and people can be rude to you, but I wasn't, so kindly can the rudeness and save it for someone who deserved it, okay? Otherwise you'll continue to be anonymously bitched out on blogs. You're damn lucky I was feeling generous and didn't tell your manager, or Yelp about you. Do it again to me, though. Test me. Don't be that person, the one who gets fired for multiple complaints about your service. I cut you a break, I won't again.
There's always a person who does this. It started as early as grade school. One who would, in the midst of instructions, be so preoccupied by their own them-specific question that they had yet to ask that they would fail to hear what was being said, and often missed the answer to their all-important question. So that person waves their hand in the air, in the midst of a group of people who have somehow managed to keep up with the situation, and finally has the chance to open their mouth. What comes out sounds to all listeners except THAT person like, "But meeee, whaddabout MEEEEEEEEEEE?"
Example.
Today, I had the dubious pleasure and civic duty of participating in the joyous process of Jury Duty. A group of 90 people waited for hours until a bailiff entered, and began giving us intuitive and self explanatory instructions that a half witted six year old could have understood and followed. True to form, after half of us were called to be taken to another room, a woman stood up, ran to the bailiff, and said loudly, "But I wasn't called!" Um, duh, neither were half of the people in the room, including me, and I was sitting next to you. Way to waste moments of our life with your lack of basic comprehension skills.
Her moment of THAT person was almost eclipsed by a gentleman in the back of the room, who postponed our group break by asking, "But what are we supposed to do on break?" Wow. Really? You need your hand held for twenty minutes while the rest of us go outside, make phone calls, use the restroom, move our cars from metered parking, or otherwise occupy our time like free, capable, self-sufficient adults? I was impressed by the bailiff refraining from saying, "Sir, you can hold your breath for all I care, it's YOUR BREAK."
Really, don't be the person people wish wasn't in the room. Don't be that person who postpones breaks, or just is the only one who doesn't listen to instructions. If you're not stupid, it really makes the rest of us wonder what's wrong with you.
Specifically, adults who chew their gum with their mouths open. Those who smack their gum, or who pop it, or who in general create ambient noise with their gum mastication.
WHY DO YOU DO THIS???
Every time I witness this abhorrent behavior, I nearly make my tongue bleed by biting it to keep from asking pertinent questions like,
"Did your mother not teach you manners?"
"Can you kindly spit that out?"
"Do you realize how loud you're being? People are looking at you."
"Aren't you ashamed of yourself?"
"You know, cows chew their cud more politely than you chew that gum?"
"Hey, how's that gum taste? It SOUNDS DELICIOUS."
Seriously. I was on BART (yes, the dreaded public transport) and heard through my ipod headphones (I considerately keep them low enough that they can't be heard by the person next to me) two women in conversation, who were both chomping away on their gum with open mouths. These were well dressed ladies, with exclusive name brands plastered on their heels and purses. They held shopping bags presumably from San Francisco high end stores like Nordstroms, Chanel, etc., their nails were carefully manicured and unchipped, their hair coiffed and professionally highlighted, so one would ASSUME they operated at the level of society that would frown upon bovine like chomping of gum with mouths open on a public train.
I was agog at the sheer volume of the gum smacking. This is not an isolated instance, either. I've seen receptionists in high end businesses guilty of the same, I've seen executives doing this in large meetings with CEOs and CFOs and peer coworkers on varying levels of authority.
I do not understand how these people retain their positions, or how they are not reprimanded for this disgusting habit. Are we as a society too polite to acknowledge or comment when others are blatantly flouting common manners and courtesy?
My poor boyfriend sat next to a woman who chewed her gum so loudly in the movie theater (watching AVATAR of all things, a hugely loud film) that he (and his consistently high tolerance for annoyance and ambient extraneous noises) wanted to punch her in the face. He reported that she chomped and smacked and sucked and popped for a full 40 minutes. I asked incredulously how he was able to refrain from holding out his hand and demanding that she spit out her gum, or asking her to stop (haha, more polite perhaps) or even getting up and going to a manager to deal with it for him. He replied he could hardly believe it was happening, and that he expected it to stop, but it did not for the remainder of the film.
I don't get it, people. I don't get it. It's pathetic, and disgusting, and it's just outright shameful, and please let me inform you: if you're guilty of this habit, I'm out there seeing it, and judging you. I'm judging your manners, your upbringing, your parenting, your resulting parenting skills for your own offspring, and all manner of other related logical conclusions.
Get it together. It's gross, and it's rude. I may not say anything in person, but if you're reading this and you identify with it, well, know the above, and don't be that person anymore.
