Abhorrent Beasts: The freeway litterbug.

Today I have been confronted a behavior that I had hoped was going the way of the mastodon, but apparently hasn't died out completely yet. I am entering into a personal campaign to bring an end to this practice. If you see it, document it. Reply to this post about it. Let's change the world!

The incident in question took place today at around 8am, on Highway 24 westbound before the Caldecott Tunnel.

Traffic was slow, as per usual on a late-start Thursday, and I was chugging along at snailpace behind a grey/green Toyota Camry. I smiled to myself as I saw that this car ahead had its windows open, apparently enjoying the fresh spring air on this lovely morning. I thought, "Wow, good for you, I'm too worried about fussing up my hair to have my windows open, but you're a free spirit, good for you!"

But then, making me feel foolish for my friendly thoughts, a delicately manicured hand extended, cigarette dangling and smoking itself in the acceleration-created breeze.

Really? You're sparing your car the smoke generated from your butt, and aerating your vehicle from your 2nd hand carcinogen, all the while allowing anyone behind you in the traffic jam to enjoy your cancer stick, too? Gee, THANKS! I LOVE getting to change my car's air-intake setting to "recycle", because used, recycled, recirculated air is totally going to help me wake up and get going this morning.

Lady, you're accountable.
I might even have let you go, not publicized that you're brunette, or that your license plate reads 57OUO51 (or was it 5ZOUO51?) but THEN I saw you flick your lit butt away, and it hit the hood of my car before flying off to who knows where.
You hit my car with your butt, lady.

You dropped your lit cigarette butt out of your window in suburban CALIFORNIA. Do you have any idea how many FIRES we've been subjected to in our area?
Are you familiar with arson laws?
How about littering fines?
What if I'd been an undercover cop and had seen your transgression? I'll tell you right now I'd have pulled your sorry ass over and held you financially accountable for your actions.

PLUS, that butt? It likely got pushed to the edge of the freeway, where it'll drift and sit and wait for the next rain, at which point it'll be washed into a drain, to a stormdrain, to a sewer, probably out into the ocean where a seabird or other innocent marine life will be subject to the carcinogenic habit you've adopted and now forced on the world around you, you selfish, shameful creature.

Kids, here's a lesson to you. Don't litter. Don't smoke. If you choose to smoke when you're legally allowed and over 18, be courteous and conscious of your effects on the environment. Don't be an inconsiderate litterbug who hates the environment and wants sea creatures to suffer. Okay?
Because people will see that behavior, they'll call you on it, and someday you'll be publicly humiliated on a blog if you do it. So don't. Be good.

Weight

Why is it that when waging a war on my fat, the first body part to surrender is my boobs?

Don't get me wrong, they valiantly held out as long as they could, but when faced with 1-2 hours of highly intensive cardio 4-6 times a week, their surrender was inevitable. All I'm left to ask is, why couldn't it be my thighs, first, hmm? WHY!?!?

I am at a new gym. So far there are far fewer of Those People at this gym, and this pleases me. There is That Amazon Lady Who Makes Me Feel Like a Hobbit in my kickboxing class, but I don't want to talk about her yet. Because, you see, I am very good at cardio kickboxing, and I do not like being compared to this extremely tall peroxide-blond svelte-ripped Amazon-creature who somehow can wear a full face of makeup to the gym and leave without having broken a sweat. She's That Person. That makeup-caked, fit critter that's very existence seems to be to make average women feel inferior in every way. Did I mention that her abnormally perky and disproportionally large breasts don't move, and clearly have not been depleted despite her minimal body fat?
This is either an Amazon anomaly or it is surgical enhancement.

Either way:

I hate it when she works out near me because by comparison I feel like a grubbly brown hobbit troll creature, stumpy, awkward and impossibly pale and squishy. This does not inspire me to spend more time at my gym. Nonetheless, my war rages on and I must heed the call to battle, crazy-perfect-Amazon-freak-barbie-critters be damned.

Self indulgence

I don't actually have anything to malign today, so I'm going to make this post about funny shit I have said in passing that I think is funny enough to actually record so that at some future time when I AM pissed off enough to want to malign THOSE PEOPLE, I can do so, then look back at how humorous and potentially brilliant I am, and smile. Or maybe I'll just write a stream of consciousness to amuse myself in the moment, like right f*cking now, because let's be honest it's almost 70 degrees outside and sunny for once in this miserable El Nino spring and I am still at work on a Friday.

But yes, I am that egotistical and I buoy my own moods by creative use of wording. Shakespeare did it too, you know. He created lots of words just to amuse himself. (Or possibly to enhance the delectable use of iams in his pentameter.) Words like incarnadine. (Thank you, professor Bilbo Wachtel, you brilliant inspirational English prof. You know who you are, with your fabulous hobbit hats and sparkly brain.) Incarnadine, I was taught in college, means to make red. Did this word exist before Shakespeare used it? Maybe, but that's not what I was taught, so don't question my professor, it makes me sad.

DRAGGING myself back to the very topic I decided I would record today, I without further ado (also a Big Bill reference there, did you see it?) I will extrapolate on (da dum DAH) MYSELF.

THOUGHTS:
(In dialogue via gchat with friend)
RE: Stephanie Meyer
"I empathize with her
and I envy her
she actually wrote down her masturbatory 13 year old adolescent fantasy
and she made fucking MILLIONS.
I think I'm going to quote myself."
(See there? That's where I had the idea to post all this. Mark it well, young grasshopper.)

Subsequently:
"I made my own facebook feed.
I am either brilliant, or grandly egomaniacal.
Or both.
Egotistically brilliantly egomanical.
I hope I'm spelling that right, otherwise that would be ironic as well as hilarious."

This is much funnier when taken in context that I was writing to a person at the time, giving no opportunity to spell check myself and putting my potential error out there in plain view to be judged. I hate being vulnerable like that, because I am subject to such verbal scrutiny knowing how I judge others for their grammatical failures. My quotations, for the record, remain un-spellchecked in case of erroneous hilarity for which I should be accountable. I'm judgy, not perfect.

"I think I get funnier when I surround myself with funny stimuli. I get funnier after Eddie Izzard exposure. Or beer."

Sadly my self-promoting hilarity was put on hold when my dear correspondent took herself out to lunch. I hope she enjoys herself, I however am left with a random craving for focaccia bread, which regularly I don't even like. I really only crave sourdough bread.
I'll hopefully add to this later, if my brilliance continues.